The Mendoza Line: Texas AG Ken Paxton preemptively drafts dozens of suits against Biden White House

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• Courtesy Photo / Texas Attorney General’s Office
• Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton contemplates all the lawsuits he’s going to get to file.

We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we’re letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has preemptively drafted dozens of lawsuits he plans to file against President Joe Biden’s administration to fight programs and policies Paxton described as “lawless, reckless and pro-human.”

The Republican AG has already sued the administration once for halting deportations. “And I got another one locked and loaded in case Sleepy Joe wants to reunite those resettled kids with their deported parents,” he said, absentmindedly fumbling for a mustache to twirl.

Mere minutes after the Democratic president was sworn in, Paxton vowed in a Tweet to “fight against the many unconstitutional and illegal actions” of the new administration. The AG said he’s paying out of pocket for a Premium RocketLawyer.com membership, which provides lawsuit templates and a 40% discount when hiring a Rocket Lawyer On Call® attorney.

“I’m willing to go into my own pocket to protect the people of Texas from these socialist programs that could provide better access to COVID-19 vaccines, preventive health care or any type of social safety net,” Paxton said. “I hope my On Call® attorney isn’t anyone I fired.”

The Mendoza Line gave Paxton a list of potential federal programs and asked him to provide his reasons for opposing them. His answers are below:

• Federal mask mandates — “My mistress never made me wear a condom, and that turned out OK.”
• COVID stimulus checks — “It’s government overreach and we’d rather go hungry than take their money.”
• Medicaid expansion — “Sounds like socialized medicine if you ask me.”
• The Voting Rights Act — “Texas has a spotless record for gerrymandering and it will stay that way.”
• Eviction moratorium — “My good buddy Nate Paul hasn’t collected rent in months, which means I haven’t gotten my cut.”
• Nuclear arms treaties — “Our economy is built on delivery systems for weapons of mass destruction.”
• Clean energy initiatives — “Our economy is built on fossil fuels.”
• Prison reform — “Our economy is built on the prison industrial complex.”
• Education reform — “See my previous answer.”
• Apple pie for orphans — “Kids stop mattering once they stop being fetuses.”

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