Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Colts
The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Colts game. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the party in your hat, the bubbles in your champagne and the Dick in your Clark, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I wish you all a happy New Year and I come to you today ecstatic as the Raiders are still alive in the playoff hunt following a correctly predicted victory over the Denver Broncos. The Raiders held Drew Lock in check all game, and the only offense the Broncos could muster was the way they made their fans feel because of that game. On to a new week, where the Raiders must face yet another AFC playoff contender.
In keeping with tradition, I have once again asked the Great Beyond to make his wisdom known about this upcoming contest against the Colts:
“The only thing more wasted than Andrew Luck’s career is Jim Irsay in the back of a limousine.“
A New Beginning
I usually get on the case of teams who relocate to new cities, like the Chargers, who moved to a city where nobody cares about them, but the Colts did the right thing. Unlike the Browns, who moved TO Baltimore for reasons I can only assume included Art Modell’s wanting to experience more senseless violence in his city, the Colts moved away from Baltimore in 1984. They told Baltimore’s city council that they were going out for a pack of cigarettes and then left in the middle of the night and never came back, which is common in Baltimore.
The Colts found their new home in Indianapolis, home to the Indianapolis 500. The Colts fit right in, because they also drive for three hours on the weekend and don’t accomplish anything. The good people of Indianapolis know better than to expect a winner. That’s because they’ve watched the Pacers since 1967. Indiana is also home to Notre Dame, but any serious football fan knows that their chances of winning anything are as real as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. Indiana is also home to Gary, a city as close to post-war Stalingrad as you will find in the USA.
In 2006, the Colts called this play, which is the Gary, Indiana of special teams plays.
