Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Broncos game. It may contain offensive language or imagery and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the grill marks on your steak, the butter on your mashed potatoes and the pale in your ale, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. This has been an eventful week for Raiders fans, as former head coach Jon Gruden was revealed to be everyone’s drunk, bigoted uncle at Thanksgiving. With Gruden, the Raiders were likely committed to another six years of mediocrity. Without Gruden, the sky is the limit for this team, but so is Hell. The Raiders now are like a box of chocolates- don’t get involved if you can’t handle nuts.

The upcoming very important divisional game seems secondary to the overall state of the team, but play it they must. With that in mind, I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his input on the matter, and the message he sent me reads thusly:

“Well well, it appears Jon Gruden’s chickens have come home to roost. And by chickens, I mean stupid opinions and statements sent to Bruce Allen’s work email, along with dirty pictures and who knows what else. I have little doubt that Gruden’s opinions and beliefs in certain matters are shared by many around the league, as Gruden would not have felt comfortable sharing them so openly if that were not the case. Forgiveness is an important thing in life, but this is about sending a message, that you cannot just think and talk like a 80’s movie villain and face no consequences whatsoever.”

A kinder, gentler Great Beyond

In light of these developments, now is hardly the time to be mean-spirited towards the Raiders’ opponent this week, the Denver Broncos. I shall instead point out the many good things they have done, both for the sport of football and for humanity.

The Broncos have won the AFC eight times, but they have only elected to show up for three Super Bowls. This shows Denver’s concern for the environment by saving the fossil fuels it would take to fly to the big game and then take a bus from the team hotel to the stadium.

Denver does not give its fans false hope. When they lose a Super Bowl, they lose in style. Denver’s five Super Bowl losses are by an average score of 44-12. The Broncos, typically done playing in a Super Bowl midway through the second quarter, considerately allow ample time for their fans to drink heavily and process their blowout losses before returning to their mind-numbing jobs the next day.

Think of the Children

The Broncos are the NFL’s most humanitarian team. No other franchise has printed up more “Super Bowl Champions” shirts and hats, only to ship them over to underprivileged children in Africa the next day. The Broncos have clothed more kids than Baby Gap.

The Raiders have long been the NFL’s most progressive franchise when it comes to diversity, but the Broncos have them beat. Both black quarterbacks who have won the Super Bowl did so by beating Denver.

Unlike the Raiders, who have a tendency to start slowly, the Broncos do not waste time. They have the quickest score in Super Bowl history, with a safety on the first play from scrimmage in Super Bowl 48.

A Horse is a Horse

Denver knows that if they want to keep their franchise stable, they have to stick together with the other equine NFL team, the Colts. Denver has long served as a sort of backup plan for any player drafted by the Colts who decides they’ve had enough. First was John Elway, who played for fifteen years for the Broncos and today serves both in their front office as an executive and also on the field as the team mascot.