Column: The debate over reopening amid pandemic continues

A skinny raccoon and chubby possum wearing a face mask met near a dumpster outside a restaurant Saturday, at around 3 a.m.

“I don’t know,” the opossum said, nervously holding his tail. “I’ll be honest … I’m thinking it’s too soon.”

The raccoon climbed confidently onto the dumpster. Upon reaching the top, he tossed a taco de carne guisada at the possum, who reluctantly picked it up.

“No que no?” he said, picking up a Styrofoam container full of beef fajita nachos. “It’s about time, if you ask me.”

The possum delicately unfolded the foil around the taco. He stared at it for a few minutes, then took out a bottle of sanitizer.

“Oh yes,” the raccoon said, his mouth full of nachos. “That sanitizer is really going to make a difference.”

“Don’t you think,” the possum said, pushing the taco away, “that this re-opening is a bad idea? Nothing has changed. I mean, they’re saying that the only reason we’ve been able to avoid things getting too scary here in San Antonio is because of social distancing. I’m worried that if we stop staying home, we’re going to see an uptick in cases.”

“Quién sabe,” the raccoon responded. “But you know what I do know? That if I don’t go out, I don’t eat.”

“I was talking with this bird the other day, a chickadee I ran into over by Mission San José, and she told me that she’s not going out any more than she has to. She was a couple of branches away, of course, and she was very, very serious. Birds are at a higher risk for getting the flu, so she said she’s been making the best of things, staying home watching ‘Aerial America.’”

“Well. La dee da,” the raccoon scoffed, taking a drink out of a crushed Coke can. “She probably lives in one of those custom-built birdhouses — and there’s probably a bird feeder nearby. Maybe even one of those fancy birdbaths. You know who feeds the raccoons? Kids who don’t finish the kids’ meal. Ladies on a date, trying to quedar bien. And people who decide, after the food arrives, that it’s ‘too spicy.’”

“Yeah,” the possum said sadly. “I guess some of us have it better than others.”

“Yes. Some of us do,” the raccoon snapped. “Y no quiero que me den, si no que me pongan donde hay. I’ve been through tougher times.”

“Thing is,” the possum said, pushing the taco over to the raccoon while keeping his distance. “You know how stuff spreads. You let your guard down here, take a chance there … pretty soon, you’re not paying attention.”

The raccoon, however, wasn’t listening. He was offering nachos to a very pretty Chihuahua that had just arrived.

The possum picked up his sanitizer and said goodnight.

“Better safe than sorry,” he said to himself as he went back home to spend the evening with an expired package of Pop-Tarts, some bugs he’d picked himself and “Tiger King.”

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